This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy.  No KG...  Er, no
diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist
tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
secrets you wish to sell.

(In a bored voice:)  Heaven, God speaking...

Lucifer speaking.  Who in hell do you want?

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
tone, please hang up.

Sherwood Forest.  Which dear do you want?

Hello, this is the Brown residence.  We're in the middle of a
family fight right now.  Leave your name and number at the beep
and whoever wins will call you right back.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished.

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and
your favorite color of underwear.  We'll get back to you if we
like the color.

Hello.  I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.  Please
leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

You have reached 843-4734.  Please hold while I process your
call.  (Pause.)  Our extremely sophisticated computer system
performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
our list of important callers.  None of our staff is authorized
to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
tone.  Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself.  Thanks.

(Thug voice:)  Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now.
They've been kidnapped!  So at the beep, leave your name, your
number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper
bag.

(Italian Mafia-style voice:)  I can't come to the phone right
now.  Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk.  I
think we're going to have to size it a little...  (Aside:)  HEY
GUIDO!  GET THE CHAINSAW!  Anyways, leave your name and a
message.  If I like it, you'll hear from me.  If not, you'll
hear from Guido!  (Laughter.)

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone.
I am an electrical engineer.  I can do that.

My time is billed at $125 per hour.  Please begin your message
with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of
expiration.  I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

(A busy signal.)  -- Steven Wright

(Recorded directly from AT&T:)  We're sorry, but the number you
dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

We're sorry.  You have reached an imaginary number.  Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

You have reached the number you have dialed.  Please leave a
message after the beep.

Hello.  (Pause.)  Hello?  (Pause.)
Hello!  (Pause.)  No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now.
Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.

You have reached 555-6238.  Why?