% woman-chemically.tex
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% Chemical Analysis of Women.
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% Source: 
%                  JFORD@MIBSRV.MIB.ENG.UA.EDU (James Ford)
%                       (sexual stereotypes, chuckle)
%                  From the rec.humor.funny joke archives.
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\begin{document}

\centerline{\Large Chemical Analysis of \textsl{Woman}}

\AtEndDocument{\vfill\footnotesize\scriptsize
                  %JFORD@MIBSRV.MIB.ENG.UA.EDU (James Ford)
                  jford@mibsrv.mib.eng.ua.edu (James Ford).
                  %     (sexual stereotypes, chuckle)
                  From the rec.humor.funny joke archives.
}

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\item[Element]
	Woman

\item[Symbol]
	Wo

\item[Discoverer]
	Adam

\item[Quantitative Analysis]
	Accepted at 36---28---36, though isotopes ranging from
	25---10---20 to 60---55---60 have been identified.

\item[Occurrence]
	Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
	energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

\item[Physical Properties]
	Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing,
	and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when
	properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various
	states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic
	but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
	the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed
	artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to
	the experienced eye.

\item[Chemical Properties]
	Has a great affinity for Au, Ag, and C, especially in the
	crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will
	absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is
	initiated with various reagents such as
	C$_2$--H$_5$--OH	% Ethanol!
	and sexy aftershave lotions.  An essential catalyst is
	often required (must say you love her at least five times
	daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark
	and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult
	to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure
	applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

\item[Storage]
	Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

\item[Uses]
	Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on
	lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

\item[Tests]
	Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state.
	Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.

\item[Caution]
	Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly
	explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great
	care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess
	more then one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of
	exchange is permitted.

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