% husband-1.0.tex % % Source: Internet % % Typeset by Volker Kuhlmann, 14 Feb 2000. % Typeset with LaTeX 2e. % Does not require non-standard macro-packages. % 1 page. % \documentclass[12pt,twoside]{article} %% Load any desired fonts % %\usepackage{palatino} % PostScript Palatino %\usepackage{newcent} % PostScript NewCentury %\usepackage{helvetic}\AtBeginDocument{\sffamily} % PostScript Helvetica % Mirrors \oddsidemargin onto \evensidemargin for twoside documents, % and takes care of TeX's 1in/1in origin offset. % Takes paper width as argument. \newcommand\adjmargins[1]{% \evensidemargin=#1 \advance\evensidemargin-\textwidth \advance\evensidemargin-\oddsidemargin \advance\oddsidemargin-1in \advance\evensidemargin-1in \advance\topmargin-1in } % Define page layout % \oddsidemargin 25mm \textwidth 160mm \topmargin 25mm \headheight 0mm \headsep 0mm \textheight 255mm \footskip 12mm \pagestyle {plain} \thispagestyle {empty} \parindent 0em \parskip 2ex plus.5ex minus.5ex % \adjmargins{210mm} % 210mm for A4 paper \begin{document} \section*{Husband 1.0} \textsl{% A female system user has sent tech support this e-mail: } Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!! Jane \textsl{% Dear Jane: } This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an \emph{entertainment} package. However, Husband 1.0 is an \emph{operating system} and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their ``old time'' favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under ``Warnings: Divorce/Child Support''. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume \emph{all} responsibility for \emph{all} faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command ``\verb+C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME+''. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. \subsection*{Tech Tip!} Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately \emph{you} may have to give a ``\verb+C:\APOLOGIZE+'' command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip. Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do \emph{not}, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! \end{document} %% EOF husband-1.0.tex