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% Discovery of a new chemical element: administratium.
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\begin{document}

\begin{center}
	\Large
	\underline{\underline{Administratium}}
\end{center}

\textbf{New Element Discovered!}

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
researchers at the University of Fulchester. The element, tentatively
named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic
mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact
with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium
caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would
have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a
normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does
not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases
after each reorganisation.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations and universities, and
can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained
buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage,
but results to date are not promising.

\end{document}
