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% Thought you two _might_ appreciate this ... but don't blame me if you 
% hate it!  (blame Philip Saysell ...)
%
%       Rebecca :)
%
% sent to Volker and John 10 Oct 1995   
% no doubt from Usenet or similar
%
% Got rid of the use of a personal style file. This file is now
% self-contained.  VK 22 Feb 97

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{\Large The Dark Sucker Theory}
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 For years, it has been believed that electric light bulbs emit light,
 but recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs 
\textsc{do not}
 emit light. They suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
 The Dark Sucker theory and the existence of the Dark Suckers prove
 that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

 First, the basis of the Dark Sucker theory is that electric light
 bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room that
 you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is
 elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to
 suck dark. Dark Suckers in the  parking lot have a much greater
 capacity to suck dark than the ones in your room. As with all things,
 Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can
 no longer suck. This is proved by the black spot on a full Dark
 Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white
 wick. After the first use, you can see that the wick turns black,
 showing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you place an
 object next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.
 This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the
 candle. One of the disadvantages of the these primitive Dark Suckers
 is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In
 these, the bulbs cannot handle all of the dark by themselves and must
 be aided by Dark Storage Units. When a Dark Storage Unit is full of
 dark, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark
 Sucker can operate again.

 Dark has mass. When it goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the
 moving mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating
 Dark Sucker.

 Candles present a special problem, as the mass must travel into a thin
 solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount
 of heat and is therefore even less smart to touch an operating candle.
 Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to slowly swim just below
 the surface of a lake, you would see a lot of light. As you swim deeper
 and deeper, it gets darker and darker. When you get real deep, you will
 be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the
 bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. This is why
 it is called light.

 Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
 stand  in a well lit room in front of a closed closet full of dark and
 slowly open the door, you will see the light slowly enter the closet.
 But since dark is  so fast, you will not be able to see the dark leave
 the closet.

 So next time you see an electric bulb, remember, it is a 
\textsc{dark sucker}!

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