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% Originally by the Internet Oracle, digest 885, question 8:
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% Then reworked for rec.humor.funny:
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%    http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/97/Mar/hastur.html
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\begin{document}

\begin{tabular}{@{}ll}
To:	& Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.\\
From:	& Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.\\
\end{tabular}

Sirs:

Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention
your recent product entitled Windows '95. Therefore We now give
you statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken against 
Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.

With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser
extent all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the 
recognised ``look-and-feel'' of the Elder Gods, for the following 
reasons:

\begin{itemize}
\item
    Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest
    pits of Hell;
\item
    No man can be in it's presence for too long without being
    driven into gibbering insanity;
\item
    A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal
    herd;
\item
    Those who associate with it for too long develop common
    physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging
    eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency
    towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal
    men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke;
    in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien
    Gods);
\item
    Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are
    reputed to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance
    and only available at a terrible cost to the user. 
\item
    The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate
    the world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal
    damnation.
\end{itemize}

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when
you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering
things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and
eat them.

We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle
out of court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior 
partners spend the rest of their mercifully short lives under
heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. After 
all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who gave humanity
lawyers in the first place.

Respectfully yours,

$<$Oddly disturbing squiggle in some sort of ichor$>$

pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D

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